Well, my baby has started school today...

Except she's not a baby, she's five years old. And very ready. 

It was me who was in a state. I was so busy getting everyone else out the door, I was still in my pjs at 8.30am. No breakfast, un-ironed dress. Still I managed to get it together and we got to school on time. 

I wasn't planning on crying and I felt absolutely fine until the moment we had to say goodbye. I asked her teacher if we should go and she said quite firmly that we should.

"But I haven't showed her where the toilets are!"

The teacher said in a quiet calm voice that is obviously reserved for first time parents, that she would show them all where the toilets are and that there was also one in the classroom.

Of course the teacher would show them the toilets. She has obviously down all this before. What was I thinking! And she would explain when lunch would be. And what recess is. Everything I've forgotten to say. In fact she will be teaching my daughter all sorts of things from now.

So we said goodbye to our happy and excited daughter who was already busy colouring something in. A picture of a snail I think.

And yes, when we walked away, I had tears in my eyes. Of course I did. I never cried much before having children. Now I can't watch the news without having a weep. I saw the trailer for The Impossible with Naomi Watts and sobbed through the whole thing. 

We all went off to a cafe and after my first coffee of the day, I started to feel normal again. I was going to be ok.

So here I am. The toddler is asleep and I have time to blog. It's definitely a whole new world for all of us. 

I just have to remember to pick her up at 3.15pm!

First Day Jitters - For Who?

February 4th is almost here!

My now five year old daughter is about to start school and she is very excited. 

It's me who is feeling a bit traumatised!

I always imagined I would gleefully drop my daughter off on her first day of school with a skip in my step. However as the big day approaches I’m starting to doubt that I’ll be quite so chirpy. I had an inkling of my possible emotional reaction at the school information session we attended last year. I was reduced to tears when the 2011 kindergarten children got up on the stage and sang a few songs and my daughter wasn’t even one of them. I suddenly thought with horror, what will I be like on her first day?

Thankfully last year there were three transition sessions for my daughter (and quite frankly for me) to become familiar with the upcoming event. Although the first day was traumatic for both of us particularly when my daughter wanted to take her usually three bags of treasures plus a shoe box of most important knick knacks. I put my foot down. This is big school. You don’t take toys and you most definitely cannot wear a mask, crown or fairy wings. So we were already off to a bad start. Then we arrived at her designated classroom where she wouldn’t say hello to the two lovely teachers and absolutely refused to wear a name tag

“Why not?” I whispered crankily under my breath. All the other children were happily busying themselves with an activity, proudly displaying their name tags and waving cheerily to their parents. Quickly I found the drawing table and sat my daughter down to do one of her most favourite things.

I love your shoes,” said one of the teachers. My daughter looked up thrilled. They were new and she had worn them especially. Gosh those teachers are good.

Now I bet you can’t you write your name on that picture?” she continued. My daughter’s face lit up for the second time that day. Another thing she loves to do. That teacher had obviously done all this before. Unlike myself.

I sighed with relief. All was well. My daughter and I happily parted ways for the next 90 minutes and I made my way to the hall for the information session. But when I saw all the other parents I began to get a little anxious. Looking around I wondered if I would like anyone here. Would anyone like me? Suddenly all my fears from my own school days of not finding friends and not fitting in came flooding back. Forget about my daughter. Would I get a new best friend?

As it happened we knew a couple of parents from daycare, one from dance class and one from swimming lessons. Suddenly we’d formed a little gang. Maybe school wasn’t going to be too bad after all.

After the school band had played and I’d wept my way through the kindies’ performance “just because my daughter would be one of them next year”, we went to retrieve our children. I had nothing to worry about. My daughter had a great time. Except she informed me that there was absolutely no way she was going to wear a school uniform.

Like many just-turned-five-year-olds, my daughter has her own individual way of dressing. Since her second birthday she has flatly refused any outfit I’ve offered, preferring to mix and match her hand-me-downs and dress-ups with great style. I’ve always encouraged anything she put together but now she must conform, which makes me a little sad. And I realised why we had clashed that day. I wanted my daughter to fit in while she still wanted to be her own self.

When most children never want to take their new uniform off, we have now only twice coerced my daughter into hers. And I can’t take any credit for it. My mother convinced her to try it on once when we were out while another time, her best friend came over with hers on and my daughter followed suit. So begins the desire to blend and be like everyone else. I knew she would want to wear it eventually especially when she saw others doing the same and as relieved as I am she wants to be a part of it, I hope she doesn’t completely lose her sense of individuality that can sometimes take years to re-find.

Me, on the other hand, am desperate to fit in! I’ve been to school before and I definitely want to be in the cool group. I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ll do canteen, I’ll work in the uniform shop, take part in working bees, even direct the school play and make the costumes. Maybe I’ll just walk up to a nice looking group of mums and say, “Does anyone want to go and have coffee?”

Bu it’s the knowledge of what school is like that makes me anxious for my daughter. It’s nerve wracking for parents because suddenly after five years, it all seems out of our control. Our children will disappear behind the school gate for the next 13 years. They will start to develop their own ideas, learn new things and mix we people that we don’t really know.

But I have to remember that the year to come is not just about me. In fact it’s not about me at all. I’m sure that I will be a great deal more sad than expected on the first day but the tears will be for myself, for what I have been through, what I’m losing and what I’m about to gain. I’m sure my daughter will be happy to go off to school. So I will save my tears until I’ve walked away. I want my daughter to be excited about this next adventure. Not embarrassed by an over-emotional and anxious mother who is desperate to make new friends and fit in.

Children - who needs them?

Anyone who has spoken to me over the past few days knows I’ve had a challenging couple of weeks to say the least. Words such as vomit, fevers, bed-wetting and head lice spring to mind not to mention a flat tyre, sleepless nights and cooking meals that no one wants.

Just when I’m trying to write my 50,000 fabulous words for NaNoWriMo, I‘ve had to deal with every inconvenience that having children can bring.

However yesterday I caught the train to town with my 15-month-old daughter and we met a lovely woman who got on at the same station. We started chatting and as it happens she and her husband, after five rounds of IVF, are sadly unable to have children.

I then explained the challenges that we’d faced trying to have our second baby, which resulted in three miscarriages. But at the end of the day we got lucky and my new best train friend did not. Even so she was incredibly generous and philosophical about it. I tried to make her feel better by saying, “Well I had no sleep last night,” and was about to launch into my tales of woe when she said quite firmly, “Oh that doesn’t matter.”

And she’s right. It doesn’t matter. At the end of the day all this will pass and I’ll still have two beautiful daughters to cuddle – even if they’re both in my bed at the same time, which usually means I end up crossways along the bottom.

After bidding farewell to my new best train friend, I went to the skin specialist for a routine check-up. I was pregnant with my second baby when I last saw the doctor (who also has kids) and this time with baby in tow, we started discussing quite fondly those kid-free days of our 20s.

It was the second time in a week I’d thought back to that particular era. Last weekend my husband and I bought some everyday wine glasses from Ikea because we keep breaking all the ones we got as wedding presents. The glasses we chose are quite small, not the huge goblets of my 20s even my 30s. Then I remembered how everything was oversized back then. I had noodles bowls the size of salad bowls and plates as big as platters. It was all about pleasure and self-indulgence.

Last week not only did we sadly change to smaller wine glasses but also smaller plates in an attempt to eat smaller portions, as we seem to be consuming more than we need.

The heady days of our 20s are definitely over. Life is not about indulging ourselves anymore but doing the best we can for our kids. And even though right now it doesn’t feel like much fun, after chatting to someone who will never know the difference, I’m feeling a lot luckier than I did last week.

Hurray for NaNoWriMo!

October 31 has never been quite so significant.

Firstly my four and a half year old has discovered the spirit of Halloween in a big way. Which I find quite extraordinary as we have never early mentioned it, she hasn't yet started school and she doesn't have an older sibling to pass on the news. But it seems to be unavoidable these days so we have prepared a costume - this year she will be a ghost - and put up scary cobwebs and we are about to cook some spooky cupcakes.

Luckily for me, she has now planned her costumes for the next few years  - at least until she is 9yrs old. Next year she is going to be a vampire, the year after a fairy, then a princess, then a builder! (obviously doesn't like any of the builders who have come over lately to give quotes) and then finally a superhero. So I have plenty of time to prepare.

However luckily Halloween has fallen on the last day of October because tomorrow is November which now means only one thing:

NaNoWriMo!!!!

check it out www.nanowrimo.org

On monday night I was interested but thought that it was absolutely impossible, no way could I do that, when would I write etc etc...

Then I was (quite easily) talked into it by author and experienced nanowrimo writer Lisa Heidke who said, "Think about it," and so I did and signed up immediately. It didn't take much persuading because in fact I think it's a great idea.

Well when I say great - it's scary, daunting and quite possibly incredibly frustrating and annoying.

Yet even if it gets 10,000 words out of me, then that will be a great month! Even if the house is dirty (nothing new there) and my family have to fend for themselves (also not unheard of).

And I have to say the thought of it has helped me through Halloween and its massive build-up so its timing is perfect - this year and those years to come!

Hello Twitter!

I have finally done it.

Last night when my husband was out at a work function, I opened up a Twitter account.

Not that it's a secret, I told him when he got home. It's just we're so backward when it comes to social media, I almost felt like I was embarking on another secret life!

I started following a couple of people I admire - I then emailed one, the very talented Lisa Heidke, just to let her know that I was following her on Twitter. (I could have tweeted her but one thing at a time)

But then she tweeted me!

So I tweeted back!!!

It took me approximately 3 hours to put a sentence together at a time when I should have been writing a magazine article due next week. It probably would have been quicker to write a letter and pop it in the post!

I know that half the world (not an exact statistic) has been tweeting for hundreds of years (again not exact), it's just all a bit new and exciting for me. But I have to say that although it's only day two, already I am in love! Again my husband knows and is fine with it.

So I'm on Twitter.

I have sent two tweets but now I need more fabulous and exciting things to say to my new twitter friends. I'm starting to feel the pressure of impressing a new group, being cool enough to hang out with - not too mention living with the guilt of tweeting when I should be writing to pay the mortgage.

I'm sure I'll get more efficient at it, let's just hope I find something to interesting to say!

Musical Beds

Nearly a fortnight has passed and I'm still not on Twitter and no closer to Facebook. But I have contacted a couple of builders to get quotes for our renovations! Which means my kitchen is one step closer. At this rate I will have a dishwasher by the time the girls leave home.

Speaking of my daughters, they've both decided that they really need to be in our bed every night at different times just to be that much closer to mum. Nice thought but I'm completely exhausted and need to visit my acupuncturist as I can hardly move my neck.

The girls share a room and even though the baby can't yet talk with proper words, I'm sure she and my four-year-old are in cahoots and have organised the night between them. I imagine their conversation goes something like this:

Four-year-old:      Ok, I'll go in about 11.30pm just when they've gone to sleep and say that I'm scared. Dad will let me sleep there for a bit until Mum gets cross and makes him take me back to my bed. Then that's your cue to start crying.

Baby                   Right. And I'll be really unsettled so that very time Mum thinks I have gone back to sleep, I'll start up again and she will eventually take me back to their bed because she can't be bothered sitting up all night doing controlled crying.

Four-year-old      Perfect! Then at about 3am, Mum will wake up and take you back to your cot and then just as she has gone back to sleep, say 4.30/5am, I will go in and say that I can't find Teddy. So she will have to come and help me find him. I'll ask her to stay in my bed, then we'll fall asleep and she'll wake up an hour later and go back to her bed.

Baby                   Yep, then I'll wake up at 5.30am ready to start the day.

Four-year-old     Great!

Baby                    Except won't Mum be really tired and extra cross and scream at us even more?

Four-year-old      Yeah but by dinner time, she'll be so worn down that when I ask if we can have dinner in front of TV, she won't have the strength to say no!

Baby                     Brilliant.


The other night at about 3am I told my husband crossly that we'd have to get a king size bed if this continues. I know we can't because we don't have the space plus I really do love our wrought iron bed, even if it's a mere queen size. And if we did give in and get a bigger bed, we would have absolutely no chance in ever getting them out of it. But at least I could get some sleep. I'll just have to look forward to that day, which will probably be when they've left home. Probably the same day the renovations are completed and the dishwasher is installed!

Socially Disorganised

I have just been pushed out of bed at 5am. Well let's just say with my husband and two children in there, little room is left for me. I'm not so good with children in my bed. I'm not a good sleeper at the best of times and an extra two little people in a queen-size bed doesn't do me any favours.

So a good opportunity to get up early and get organised.

I love being organised, writing lists and crossing things off. But last night I went to a great function put on by the Sydney Writers' Centre, where the lovely Valerie Khoo talked of the value of social media in terms of building a profile and making contacts and I quickly realised that I am completely disorganised.

I'm not yet on Facebook. Tweeting is something I do to make my baby laugh when she sees a pigeon. And the other day one of my mum's group was going on about 'Pinterest' like it was her new best friend. I didn't know what she was talking about.

My four-year-old has just got up to join me in the kitchen and has demanded cornflakes and craft.

Social media will have to wait for the moment. But like a dishwasher - I will get on top of it!